keeps me up at night. (day 13)

i feel like a blob of unfit jell-o. i have not worked out in probably three weeks. i feel absolutley fat and disgusting. honestly, i'm losing weight because i haven't been able to eat much. but i'm losing muscle mass like crazy. i'm for sure not B.B.B anymore. i won't be back up to that level for a while. i can't do anything with my right arm because my picc line is in that arm. but hopefully i can do some kind of exercise while i'm here. i feel like a lazy couch potato. i'm never this un-active. it's really bothering me. i won't be able to do much until some random blood level goes up. apparently hard physical exercise is not good for me. darn.
new thing that just happened? my eating is officially being monitored. i'm apparently losing too much weight and need to be put on some crazy nutrition stuff that goes through my arm. i have to write down exactly what i eat, how much. everything. seriously? any other ways they can think of tethering me down??
one of the main questions i've been asked is if i'm scared, something like that. honestly, i'm not. i know what's going to happen and i got over that initial shock weeks ago. know what i am? know what keeps me up at night? my anger. i seriously can't explain it. i know i'm going to get out of here but i'm pissed beyond all belief that i'm here. i'm mad that i'm here and that i'm tethered down. i'm mad that every single thing i do is monitored like a hawk. i know it's for my own good, but it seriously feels like prison. i have no real freedom, and it's seriously driving me insane. i have a giant list of "can'ts" and a very short list of things i'm allowed to do. i can't go outside. i can't leave this floor without a mask. i can't go anywhere without this damn pole. i can't be in a large crowd. i can't be around sick people. i can't eat something without telling someone. i can't work any of the muscles in my right arm. i can't do anything that could cause me to bleed or bruise. i can't be anywhere without someone knowing. i can't do hard physical exercise. i can't shower without my arm being wrapped in plastic. do you know how annoying that is? to be that restrained? i do feel like i'm in a prison. my own personal form of hell-like prison. it's so terrible. i feel like running ten miles and collapsing. i hate running!!
this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night. i know it's sad and depressing but it's true unfortunately. there's nothing anyone can do except for me. all i can do is follow their rules and go along with this dumb game. it's all for my own good, but i seriously can't think of a worse punishment. i seriously can't think of anything more terrible than this. this IS my own personal hell for the next twenty something days. sweet. i know that there's an end to this but right now, this part is the worst. not the illness, not the medicine. it's the lack of freedom, it's me being trapped.
i can't wait to get out of here.
i'm going to go see if i can get unhooked from my shadow so i can shower.
keep praying for me kids, it really helps.
sarah. :)