so i woke up this morning tangled up in monitors and about to explode from heat. everyone seems to think i'm cold, so they cover me up with blankets. They're just trying to help. I understand that. effects of the chemo? the first ones have set in. i woke up with less energy than usual. my head hurts, and i feel like just curling up in a ball. But this is not the worst of it. Days 3-9... one of if not the hardest week of my life. I'll be on three different medicines in that time period, and it will make me verry sick. I know that.
When my oncologist came in and explained the side effects that WILL happen, my brain did a backflip and exploded. seriously? it sounds like hell. it sounds like the worst pain i will ever feel. but the only way i'll make it? I have to be strong. i have to dig deep down inside myself and fight like hell. i HAVE to. no matter how terrible i may feel. The doctor said, this will be terrible before it gets better. Yeah, I know. I'm just bracing myself for impact. The impact of all of the side effects at once. This'll be like having the flu again, just having it five times and all of the insanity balled up into one week. this is gonna suck, no matter how strong or brave i am. it's gonna suck. but my strength will remind me that there will be an end to it.
You know what i thought this morning? I thought of how when i was little, my mom would come in and sing to me to wake me up, she'd say:
you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
you make me happy,
when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.
then she'd say, good morning sunshine!
she does that every once in a while now.
but i thought of that when i woke up. It made me smile, but cry at the same time.
whats going on today? i'm waiting for my dad to get out of the shower, then i will call to get myself unhooked from these wires. Then i'll get a shower! i feel nasty. I'm having a bunch of visitors today, that will make my day much better. [:
keep praying for me!
sarah!!
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