i really don't know what to with all of this free time. i hate not being able to be very active. everyones like, do a puzzle! read a book! watch a movie. it gets old after about a day or two. i want to run, dance, be active. but no. my platelet levels are low. so not much to do till then. i can basically just roam the hospital and try to keep myself occupied. it's much harder than it looks. but at least i'm unattached from that dumb pole for most of the day. that thing caused most of my problems.
today is day 16 of 30 for my treatment. so, i'm halfway there. lord only knows how i made it to now. it's probably because i slept the first week.. haha. i'm getting more used to the routine of being in the hospital and all that. i get woken up at 430 to draw labs and get my vitals, then go back to sleep. i'm woken up again around nine to take my medicines and whatever else they feel like doing to me. i usually just stay up, since my tutor comes in at ten. i have "school" from 10-11, then a doctor might come in. i get unhooked from my tpn at 11 or 1130, and then i usually take a shower, and do random things all afternoon. that's my basic day to day schedule.
one thing that i've realized while i was here is really how truly lucky i am. there is always at least someone here with me most of the day. i have a growing wall of cards from people that care about me. not all of the kids on this floor have that from what i've heard. i really want to help them! it pulls at my heart every time i see some of these kids.
like this afternoon? i was sitting out in the lobby drawing and i saw this little girl that looked about 1 1/2 attached to a pole that was easily three times her size, and it was covered in equipment. it was just so sad to see, i seriously just wanted to start crying right then and there.
i really want to help these kids! i want to do something to brighten their day. i want to help and be a mentor to them! i just don't know what i could do. not all of them are sad and depressing, but some are. a lot of them are generally happy.
but they're still just kids. everyone is so worried about me, where as i'm worrying more about the other people on this floor! i'm going to figure out something. something to help. like i said, i'm halfway there. so, what next? done with the crazy chemo, and i'm getting healthier. what am i gonna do? i'm gonna take advantage of the fact that i'm not sickly. i'm gonna help some sick kids. i'm gonna keep decorating my room until there is no white space. i'm gonna keep everyone entertained with my randomness. most important of all, i'm gonna get better. of course. i feel great now. i'm just bored all the time! once my platelets go up i'll be down in the gym. i need to work out. \:
march can't come any sooner! but i might as well do something important while i'm here. :)
i'm here for a reason, i guess this is it.
to help kids.
help them smile just as much as i do.
yepp, that's it.
i'm gonna go take random pictures.
keep prayin for me! it helps a ton and makes me smile twice as much.
sarah. :)
Monday, February 16, 2009
hold on to the handlebars! (day 15)
i had a pretty great day today. this time last month, if you ask'd me what i'd be doing today, it sure would not have been this, haha. but overall? that's ok. i'm happy with today. i'm now allowed to be unattached for a twelve hour window, instead of four, which makes my life so much easier. i'm smart, i convinced them to make the tpn only go overnight. Twelve hours instead of twenty. works much better for me!
today was just one of those generally awesome and random saturdays i have all the time. it makes me realize how lucky that i am that i'm not terribly sick. it makes me realize how lucky i am that i feel better than i have in months. as of right now, it looks like the worst is behind me, and that somehow i skipped the super sick part. or, it'll just randomly sneak up on me and hit me like lightning. soo... lets hope for the first one? for sure. i was reading my lab reports earlier, (yes, i'm a nerd and read lab reports..) and my white counts are starting to go back up, it looks like. so that's a good indicator that i'm getting better, responding to chemo well. and the fact i'm not sick means i'm doing well also. everyone expects me to be really sick right now. to be confined to bed and not moving. they can't keep me down for long.
i'm one of the lucky kids on this floor...
which is really kinda terrible when you think about it. it makes me so sad thinking about it. i could be them. i could be void of spirit and look like death follows me around. but i'm not. i look normal. just with glasses, haha.
today when we were sitting in the lobby i saw a boy confined to a wheel chair, and attached to a pole twice the size of mine easily. he had this just blank look in his eyes, and it seriously wanted to make me cry. i hate seeing that. young kids that have just gotten their spirit sucked out of them. that when you look at them, you can't help but want to explode in emotion. it is so sad to see, i really just want to help them.
so when my little cousin left today, he hopped on the elevator and is just like, hold on to the handle bars! it made me laugh. i need to do that! hold on tight, and keep getting better. keep going up from here. there's no other direction!
eh, it's one am.
i need to sleep!
night.
keep praying for me!
sarah. :)
today was just one of those generally awesome and random saturdays i have all the time. it makes me realize how lucky that i am that i'm not terribly sick. it makes me realize how lucky i am that i feel better than i have in months. as of right now, it looks like the worst is behind me, and that somehow i skipped the super sick part. or, it'll just randomly sneak up on me and hit me like lightning. soo... lets hope for the first one? for sure. i was reading my lab reports earlier, (yes, i'm a nerd and read lab reports..) and my white counts are starting to go back up, it looks like. so that's a good indicator that i'm getting better, responding to chemo well. and the fact i'm not sick means i'm doing well also. everyone expects me to be really sick right now. to be confined to bed and not moving. they can't keep me down for long.
i'm one of the lucky kids on this floor...
which is really kinda terrible when you think about it. it makes me so sad thinking about it. i could be them. i could be void of spirit and look like death follows me around. but i'm not. i look normal. just with glasses, haha.
today when we were sitting in the lobby i saw a boy confined to a wheel chair, and attached to a pole twice the size of mine easily. he had this just blank look in his eyes, and it seriously wanted to make me cry. i hate seeing that. young kids that have just gotten their spirit sucked out of them. that when you look at them, you can't help but want to explode in emotion. it is so sad to see, i really just want to help them.
so when my little cousin left today, he hopped on the elevator and is just like, hold on to the handle bars! it made me laugh. i need to do that! hold on tight, and keep getting better. keep going up from here. there's no other direction!
eh, it's one am.
i need to sleep!
night.
keep praying for me!
sarah. :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
reflection. (day 14)
i feel better than i have in months. i'm up, awake, and bruise free. my levels are up, i'm feeling great. physically, yeah, i'm in awesome shape. i'm supposed to be really sick right now. i'm supposed to be lethargic, disgusting, and not have hair. i'm supposed to be deathly ill. that's what everyone expects me to be right now. they expect me to be torn down, physically and emotionally. they expect me to be drained and tired, worn down from the chemo. honestly? i feel amazing.
remember mulan? what an awesome disney movie. one of my favorite songs in that movie is reflection.
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
she doesn't like the person that she see in her reflection, she knows that isn't her. that's for sure what i feel like. i feel physically better than i have in months, but i don't see myself anymore. that person doesn't stare back at me in the mirror. i see a person that has been changed by the chemo, by the crazy medicine regiment that they have me on. i see that i've lost 10 pounds from my diet changing. i see someone that is angry all of the time because they are trapped. i don't feel like that all of the time. but seeing myself like that in the mirror? yeah, it's not me. i don't feel like myself at all. i don't know this person, i don't like what i see. want to know who i want to see? the girl in my default. she was pretty. she was full of vibrance, full of life. i don't see her in the mirror. i feel like her, more than i ever have, but she doesn't stare back at me in the mirror.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
all i know is, it better be soon. or i'll just stop using mirrors... HA.
keep praying for me kids!
sarah. :)
remember mulan? what an awesome disney movie. one of my favorite songs in that movie is reflection.
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
she doesn't like the person that she see in her reflection, she knows that isn't her. that's for sure what i feel like. i feel physically better than i have in months, but i don't see myself anymore. that person doesn't stare back at me in the mirror. i see a person that has been changed by the chemo, by the crazy medicine regiment that they have me on. i see that i've lost 10 pounds from my diet changing. i see someone that is angry all of the time because they are trapped. i don't feel like that all of the time. but seeing myself like that in the mirror? yeah, it's not me. i don't feel like myself at all. i don't know this person, i don't like what i see. want to know who i want to see? the girl in my default. she was pretty. she was full of vibrance, full of life. i don't see her in the mirror. i feel like her, more than i ever have, but she doesn't stare back at me in the mirror.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
all i know is, it better be soon. or i'll just stop using mirrors... HA.
keep praying for me kids!
sarah. :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
keeps me up at night. (day 13)
i feel like a blob of unfit jell-o. i have not worked out in probably three weeks. i feel absolutley fat and disgusting. honestly, i'm losing weight because i haven't been able to eat much. but i'm losing muscle mass like crazy. i'm for sure not B.B.B anymore. i won't be back up to that level for a while. i can't do anything with my right arm because my picc line is in that arm. but hopefully i can do some kind of exercise while i'm here. i feel like a lazy couch potato. i'm never this un-active. it's really bothering me. i won't be able to do much until some random blood level goes up. apparently hard physical exercise is not good for me. darn.
new thing that just happened? my eating is officially being monitored. i'm apparently losing too much weight and need to be put on some crazy nutrition stuff that goes through my arm. i have to write down exactly what i eat, how much. everything. seriously? any other ways they can think of tethering me down??
one of the main questions i've been asked is if i'm scared, something like that. honestly, i'm not. i know what's going to happen and i got over that initial shock weeks ago. know what i am? know what keeps me up at night? my anger. i seriously can't explain it. i know i'm going to get out of here but i'm pissed beyond all belief that i'm here. i'm mad that i'm here and that i'm tethered down. i'm mad that every single thing i do is monitored like a hawk. i know it's for my own good, but it seriously feels like prison. i have no real freedom, and it's seriously driving me insane. i have a giant list of "can'ts" and a very short list of things i'm allowed to do. i can't go outside. i can't leave this floor without a mask. i can't go anywhere without this damn pole. i can't be in a large crowd. i can't be around sick people. i can't eat something without telling someone. i can't work any of the muscles in my right arm. i can't do anything that could cause me to bleed or bruise. i can't be anywhere without someone knowing. i can't do hard physical exercise. i can't shower without my arm being wrapped in plastic. do you know how annoying that is? to be that restrained? i do feel like i'm in a prison. my own personal form of hell-like prison. it's so terrible. i feel like running ten miles and collapsing. i hate running!!
this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night. i know it's sad and depressing but it's true unfortunately. there's nothing anyone can do except for me. all i can do is follow their rules and go along with this dumb game. it's all for my own good, but i seriously can't think of a worse punishment. i seriously can't think of anything more terrible than this. this IS my own personal hell for the next twenty something days. sweet. i know that there's an end to this but right now, this part is the worst. not the illness, not the medicine. it's the lack of freedom, it's me being trapped.
i can't wait to get out of here.
i'm going to go see if i can get unhooked from my shadow so i can shower.
keep praying for me kids, it really helps.
sarah. :)
new thing that just happened? my eating is officially being monitored. i'm apparently losing too much weight and need to be put on some crazy nutrition stuff that goes through my arm. i have to write down exactly what i eat, how much. everything. seriously? any other ways they can think of tethering me down??
one of the main questions i've been asked is if i'm scared, something like that. honestly, i'm not. i know what's going to happen and i got over that initial shock weeks ago. know what i am? know what keeps me up at night? my anger. i seriously can't explain it. i know i'm going to get out of here but i'm pissed beyond all belief that i'm here. i'm mad that i'm here and that i'm tethered down. i'm mad that every single thing i do is monitored like a hawk. i know it's for my own good, but it seriously feels like prison. i have no real freedom, and it's seriously driving me insane. i have a giant list of "can'ts" and a very short list of things i'm allowed to do. i can't go outside. i can't leave this floor without a mask. i can't go anywhere without this damn pole. i can't be in a large crowd. i can't be around sick people. i can't eat something without telling someone. i can't work any of the muscles in my right arm. i can't do anything that could cause me to bleed or bruise. i can't be anywhere without someone knowing. i can't do hard physical exercise. i can't shower without my arm being wrapped in plastic. do you know how annoying that is? to be that restrained? i do feel like i'm in a prison. my own personal form of hell-like prison. it's so terrible. i feel like running ten miles and collapsing. i hate running!!
this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night. i know it's sad and depressing but it's true unfortunately. there's nothing anyone can do except for me. all i can do is follow their rules and go along with this dumb game. it's all for my own good, but i seriously can't think of a worse punishment. i seriously can't think of anything more terrible than this. this IS my own personal hell for the next twenty something days. sweet. i know that there's an end to this but right now, this part is the worst. not the illness, not the medicine. it's the lack of freedom, it's me being trapped.
i can't wait to get out of here.
i'm going to go see if i can get unhooked from my shadow so i can shower.
keep praying for me kids, it really helps.
sarah. :)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
simplicity. (day 11-12)
i just went to the ophthalmologist. they numbed my eyes and dilated them. so… i can’t see for anything. wanna know how i’m typing this? i’m in word, typing in 20 point font. yeah.. can’t read or see up close.. or text! it’s so terrible! not a good way to start off my day. but hey… my eyes are fine! and i’m still really nearsighted. i could’ve told them that. but i understand they have to make sure my eyes are ok and normal and all that. this is really going to bother me until this stuff wears off.
yesterday i did not write anything. mainly because i’m lazy and tired. i had an idea for what i wanted to write last night at like eleven thirty, but by then i was just like well it’s late, i’m exhausted. i’ll just write something boss in the morning. SO.. here it is, haha. my awesome thought i decided could wait till morning.
know the old saying, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone? (it might be a song lyric too.. but snap it’s an expression..) i know that applies to me ten fold. just simple things that i never really thought of, that i really miss. i miss that simplicity. what i’ve semi-lost? well.. there’s my privacy. i barely get any. someone, whether it’s my parents, a doctor or a nurse is always in here. i’m very rarely left alone by myself. i am right now, but i can’t type really, or read, or text, so it kinda sucks. i’m left alone for the most part when i have visitors. but it’s just not the same. you’ll never know how nice it is to just have privacy until it is gone.
another thing, freedom? yeah, i don’t have much. i’m always attached to this dumb metal pole unless i’m in the shower. i’m also pretty much confined to this floor, it sucks. if i leave the floor i have to wear a mask. i hate wearing masks, so i’d much rather just stay up here. stupid immune deficiency… someone has to constantly know where i am at all times. it’s for my own good and all thatit annoying.
i miss the simplicity of a normal life more than anything. i miss being able to go as i please, to be independent. i miss being able to go to school and see my friends. i miss just being able to be normal. to have normalcy in my life, which i now have none of. i never really realized how amazing those simple things are until they were taken from me... but wow is
today, i have a day by myself till two or so. then again, it would be nice having someone here cause i can’t read a thing. i needed some time by myself though. i’m just super bored.. it’s a wednesday morning.
i’m going to see if i can get anything accomplished, maybe take a walk, something random.
keep praying for me kids.!
sarah, :)
yesterday i did not write anything. mainly because i’m lazy and tired. i had an idea for what i wanted to write last night at like eleven thirty, but by then i was just like well it’s late, i’m exhausted. i’ll just write something boss in the morning. SO.. here it is, haha. my awesome thought i decided could wait till morning.
know the old saying, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone? (it might be a song lyric too.. but snap it’s an expression..) i know that applies to me ten fold. just simple things that i never really thought of, that i really miss. i miss that simplicity. what i’ve semi-lost? well.. there’s my privacy. i barely get any. someone, whether it’s my parents, a doctor or a nurse is always in here. i’m very rarely left alone by myself. i am right now, but i can’t type really, or read, or text, so it kinda sucks. i’m left alone for the most part when i have visitors. but it’s just not the same. you’ll never know how nice it is to just have privacy until it is gone.
another thing, freedom? yeah, i don’t have much. i’m always attached to this dumb metal pole unless i’m in the shower. i’m also pretty much confined to this floor, it sucks. if i leave the floor i have to wear a mask. i hate wearing masks, so i’d much rather just stay up here. stupid immune deficiency… someone has to constantly know where i am at all times. it’s for my own good and all thatit annoying.
i miss the simplicity of a normal life more than anything. i miss being able to go as i please, to be independent. i miss being able to go to school and see my friends. i miss just being able to be normal. to have normalcy in my life, which i now have none of. i never really realized how amazing those simple things are until they were taken from me... but wow is
today, i have a day by myself till two or so. then again, it would be nice having someone here cause i can’t read a thing. i needed some time by myself though. i’m just super bored.. it’s a wednesday morning.
i’m going to see if i can get anything accomplished, maybe take a walk, something random.
keep praying for me kids.!
sarah, :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
liberation. (day 10)
i had an amazing weekend. i was actually awake for two whole days in a row! haha. i had a "party" saturday and random people sunday. i'm technically not supposed to have a ton of people in my room, but the nurses really don't care. i'm not going to tell my doctors about my parties, i'll more than likely get in some form of trouble. i've built up an interesting reputation of being ridiculously awesome 24/7. i impressed my doctors with how much i understand everything and how i'm in such a good mood most days. i'm always like, who are you? i sound kind of rude saying that, but i just want to know everyone's names. a lot of people already know me. they're just like, i've heard about how amazing you are! i mean, what can i say? i am. :] haha.
yesterday when bethany came, she said that everyone wanted a video to just see that i'm ok and all that. i really want to see how it came out.. i just kinda stood next to my card wall, i'm like... well i'm ok... hooked up to a machine.. i didn't really know what to say. at all. i'm good like that i guess. i think its so crazy amazing how much people are concerned about me. it's so overwhelming and awesome. i'm so blessed to have such an amazing support network. it's so great. ahhh, i just can't explain it! it's another reason i'm positive almost all of the time. basically my brain is doing one of these all the time ----> XD
my iv chemo ends tomorrow morning at ten. it will pretty much be the best day ever. i've been hooked up to an iv 24 hours a day for the past week? i've slept through most of it but it sure does seem like an eternity. they have to keep one of the types of chemo continuously going. it's so terrible. i have to drag this pole around everywhere with me, i'm really suprised that i haven't broken it yet. i'm so uncordinated.
tomorrow? it's liberation day for me. i can be unhooked from my iv for more than ten minutes. i can shower without something attached to me. i'm so excited. i'll still be attached to it most of the time for fluids that keep my line clean. but.. if i want to do something random they'll let me. simple stuff like that i miss more than anything. just being able to move without dragging along a metal shadow all of the time... that's liberation in it's purest sense and form. more freedom than i had last week. i seriously can't wait.
i can't think of anything too deep or prophetic to leave you with. i'm just in a generally awesome mood after this weekend. all you need to know.
plans for this week?
well, i've got an ongoing v-day art project.
i'm going to learn how to draw.
my usual random-ness.
nothing new. [:
right now? i'm going to go take a walk. talk to random people, things like that.
who knows.
keep praying for me everyone!
it helps a lot.
ah! i know what else you can do. make me awesome stuff to decorate my room with? artwork, cards and stuff? that would be great!
thank you.
sarah. :)
yesterday when bethany came, she said that everyone wanted a video to just see that i'm ok and all that. i really want to see how it came out.. i just kinda stood next to my card wall, i'm like... well i'm ok... hooked up to a machine.. i didn't really know what to say. at all. i'm good like that i guess. i think its so crazy amazing how much people are concerned about me. it's so overwhelming and awesome. i'm so blessed to have such an amazing support network. it's so great. ahhh, i just can't explain it! it's another reason i'm positive almost all of the time. basically my brain is doing one of these all the time ----> XD
my iv chemo ends tomorrow morning at ten. it will pretty much be the best day ever. i've been hooked up to an iv 24 hours a day for the past week? i've slept through most of it but it sure does seem like an eternity. they have to keep one of the types of chemo continuously going. it's so terrible. i have to drag this pole around everywhere with me, i'm really suprised that i haven't broken it yet. i'm so uncordinated.
tomorrow? it's liberation day for me. i can be unhooked from my iv for more than ten minutes. i can shower without something attached to me. i'm so excited. i'll still be attached to it most of the time for fluids that keep my line clean. but.. if i want to do something random they'll let me. simple stuff like that i miss more than anything. just being able to move without dragging along a metal shadow all of the time... that's liberation in it's purest sense and form. more freedom than i had last week. i seriously can't wait.
i can't think of anything too deep or prophetic to leave you with. i'm just in a generally awesome mood after this weekend. all you need to know.
plans for this week?
well, i've got an ongoing v-day art project.
i'm going to learn how to draw.
my usual random-ness.
nothing new. [:
right now? i'm going to go take a walk. talk to random people, things like that.
who knows.
keep praying for me everyone!
it helps a lot.
ah! i know what else you can do. make me awesome stuff to decorate my room with? artwork, cards and stuff? that would be great!
thank you.
sarah. :)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
calm before the storm. (day 9)
i can feel the chemo starting to drain me. it's a terrible feeling. it's not a constant drain yet, but i can sure feel it full force when i wake up randomly in the middle of the night. it's the most terrible feeling i have ever felt. last night, well technically this morning, i woke up in a terrible sweat and felt like jell-o. walking was a terrible labor, and just sitting up was about as terrible. i had a fever of 38.4 C which is about 101.4 F. they started me on antibiotics and i went back to sleep. at around four this morning, my blood pressure was very low. i got it taken about ten times, before they decided i was fine. then to make things better, i broke out in a nasty rash-thing all down my back. it felt like someone stuck me in an itchy sweater and set it on fire, something terrible like that. it sure took them long enough, i was crying for a half hour before they decided to give me benadryl.
they need to stop giving me benadryl at four AM. it makes the rest of my day long and terrible.but the doctors said it was good i was awake, responsive, and really ticked that i was up at four AM. so, i guess i'm ok? whatever they say i guess..
my oncologist explained to me the other day what the chemo does to me. she basically said that it empties out my bone marrow.. awesome right? it sounds mildly painful.. it's basically going to clear out everything so healthy cells can develop.. but the idea of not having an immune system is still a very terrible thought. she said that would only last a few days then my counts would come up gradually by themselves.
this right now?
it's the calm before this storm. i could be really sick right now.. but luckily for me that hasn't started yet. it will have to happen though before i can get better. i will have to be deathly ill before my body can heal and rebuild itself. fun stuff, i know.
right now, i'm enjoying a super quiet sunday afternoon. i'm enjoying this lack of commotion that has seemed to follow me around all morning. it's very very nice. it's relaxing. days like this are my favorites. i can just kinda sit here and breathe, it's amazing.
plans for today? nothing really. a much smaller scale party than yesterday. that's about it. i think after this medicine is done, i'm gonna go sit in the lobby by the windows. that sounds like a plan.
keep praying for me kids. [:
ahhh, just thought of this quote i heard,
don't tell god how big your storm is,
tell your storm how big your god is.
sarah. :)
they need to stop giving me benadryl at four AM. it makes the rest of my day long and terrible.but the doctors said it was good i was awake, responsive, and really ticked that i was up at four AM. so, i guess i'm ok? whatever they say i guess..
my oncologist explained to me the other day what the chemo does to me. she basically said that it empties out my bone marrow.. awesome right? it sounds mildly painful.. it's basically going to clear out everything so healthy cells can develop.. but the idea of not having an immune system is still a very terrible thought. she said that would only last a few days then my counts would come up gradually by themselves.
this right now?
it's the calm before this storm. i could be really sick right now.. but luckily for me that hasn't started yet. it will have to happen though before i can get better. i will have to be deathly ill before my body can heal and rebuild itself. fun stuff, i know.
right now, i'm enjoying a super quiet sunday afternoon. i'm enjoying this lack of commotion that has seemed to follow me around all morning. it's very very nice. it's relaxing. days like this are my favorites. i can just kinda sit here and breathe, it's amazing.
plans for today? nothing really. a much smaller scale party than yesterday. that's about it. i think after this medicine is done, i'm gonna go sit in the lobby by the windows. that sounds like a plan.
keep praying for me kids. [:
ahhh, just thought of this quote i heard,
don't tell god how big your storm is,
tell your storm how big your god is.
sarah. :)
Saturday, February 7, 2009
i should know what i'm doing by now. [stronger] (day 8)
i've slept for four days straight. i never thought any person could sleep that much unless they were in a coma. i keep getting medicines that knock me out for at least five hours. between those medicines, and not sleeping much at night, of course i'm gonna sleep for four days. WOW- then yesterday morning?? funny story.. i got benadryl at like four AM because i was itchy. benadryl always knocks me out like a light. so, at around eight in the morning, (mind you, the benadryl was still very much so working) a group of give or take six nurses come in my room with one or two student nurses. they're like, let's check your vitals, do random tests, lets do some mouth care, take your chemo, and take your weight!! i was still pretty much hopped up on benadryl, and didn't have my glasses on. so, i had no idea what was going on. i tripped over my wires, just about fell onto the scale, and stumbled into the bathroom. i was way too tired to yell at them all to get the hell out of there before i shot them all personally. that prophetic thought came out as, "mmfrehksdfjjifjdskldnmsoojufa." yeah, i was gone. they came back every two hours, and i couldn't really yell then either. i was tired out of my mind, and basically high. it took an entire day for me to sleep off that benadryl and be mildly normal. way to go giant team of nurses. HA.
anyway!! another weird side effect of the chemo? really really weird dreams. the kind of dreams that no matter how hard you try to get them to make sense in your mind, they just don't. at all. i wake up and i'm like, what just happened.. haha. i asked my doctor, she said it's normal, so i guess i'm ok?? but wow, i can't get over how random it is!
i get unhooked from the iv chemo tuesday morning, thank god. i'm hooked up to it twenty four hours a day, except for the few minutes before they change the bag and i get to change clothes. best part of the day, right there. i feel so nasty. so, you'd say, take a shower, you'll feel better. WELL.. if i want to shower this dumb thing has to come with me. so, i declined that offer. i'd much rather not shower than have to take an iv in the shower with me. that's way too much coordination that i clearly don't have. so tuesday morning, i'm taking a shower for at at LEAST an hour. yepp. sounds like a plan.
know where i should be this morning?? lawrenceburg, indiana. i should be inside lawrenceburg high school with my guard. i should be there covered in guard make up, and about to explode from heat in an old gymnasium. watching guards, waiting for awards. alas, i'm here. looking like hell, and sitting in a mildly comfortable room. i miss guard sooo much. i want to spin sooo bad. i asked my doctors if i could bring my weapons in, and not spin them even, but they think i'm gonna hurt myself. my response.. i've been spinning for how long? it would be really sad if i hurt myself doing consecutives even. i should know what i'm doing by now...this weekend should be a lot better. i just slept all day yesterday and was emo in my room. i can do that every once in a while.. haha. i needed a day to just sleep. i needed a day to let my mind rest more than usual. i also needed to sleep off that benadryl.. haha.
i just got the news, i'm so proud of my guard. they got 1st. that's what i'm talkin about. :]
in the words of kanye west- N- n- now th- that don't kill me
Can only make me STRONGER.
i'm in a much better mood today.
keep prayin for me. i'm still doing awesome the doctors said.
i'm gonna go do something more constructive.
sarah. :)
anyway!! another weird side effect of the chemo? really really weird dreams. the kind of dreams that no matter how hard you try to get them to make sense in your mind, they just don't. at all. i wake up and i'm like, what just happened.. haha. i asked my doctor, she said it's normal, so i guess i'm ok?? but wow, i can't get over how random it is!
i get unhooked from the iv chemo tuesday morning, thank god. i'm hooked up to it twenty four hours a day, except for the few minutes before they change the bag and i get to change clothes. best part of the day, right there. i feel so nasty. so, you'd say, take a shower, you'll feel better. WELL.. if i want to shower this dumb thing has to come with me. so, i declined that offer. i'd much rather not shower than have to take an iv in the shower with me. that's way too much coordination that i clearly don't have. so tuesday morning, i'm taking a shower for at at LEAST an hour. yepp. sounds like a plan.
know where i should be this morning?? lawrenceburg, indiana. i should be inside lawrenceburg high school with my guard. i should be there covered in guard make up, and about to explode from heat in an old gymnasium. watching guards, waiting for awards. alas, i'm here. looking like hell, and sitting in a mildly comfortable room. i miss guard sooo much. i want to spin sooo bad. i asked my doctors if i could bring my weapons in, and not spin them even, but they think i'm gonna hurt myself. my response.. i've been spinning for how long? it would be really sad if i hurt myself doing consecutives even. i should know what i'm doing by now...this weekend should be a lot better. i just slept all day yesterday and was emo in my room. i can do that every once in a while.. haha. i needed a day to just sleep. i needed a day to let my mind rest more than usual. i also needed to sleep off that benadryl.. haha.
i just got the news, i'm so proud of my guard. they got 1st. that's what i'm talkin about. :]
in the words of kanye west- N- n- now th- that don't kill me
Can only make me STRONGER.
i'm in a much better mood today.
keep prayin for me. i'm still doing awesome the doctors said.
i'm gonna go do something more constructive.
sarah. :)
Friday, February 6, 2009
one week-aversary[dream defered] (day 7)
i haven't slept through the night since i got to this floor. i usually do not go to bed till midnight, they check my vitals every four hours to make sure i'm still breathing. so, like clockwork, at midnight, four AM, eight AM, noon, four PM, eight PM, someone is taking their turn poking at me. at four AM, someone draws labs. at eight AM, i have to take the oral chemo. 10:30 AM? changing the iv chemo. Four PM, more labs. Most of this they can do when i'm sleeping. but honestly, who wouldn't wake up?
It's been a week since that day that they told me. an entire week, that has felt like an eternity. it has been a week since my life as i once knew it was torn away from me in some awful twist of fate. one week ago today, at this almost exact time, i found out i had leukemia.so... happy one week-aversary to me. happy one week of knowing my life will be on hold for the next few years. happy one week of hell, four more to go. happy one week to the day my short term dreams were defered. Saving up for a car? that won't happen. living out my last high school summer to the fullest? not as easy. i will be back in the hospital again, they said it was a chance. marching senior year? chance they're gonna tell me i can't.
SO? thanks. thank you fate. thank you for being so terrible and cruel. thank you for ruining MY life.there better be one hell of a reason for this. cause right now? today? there is none that i see.
keep praying for me? it helps a ton knowing that people are.
right now, i could use a giant hug.
i'm probably going to sleep all day again, that's all i feel like right now.
the day will go by faster.
sarah. :)
It's been a week since that day that they told me. an entire week, that has felt like an eternity. it has been a week since my life as i once knew it was torn away from me in some awful twist of fate. one week ago today, at this almost exact time, i found out i had leukemia.so... happy one week-aversary to me. happy one week of knowing my life will be on hold for the next few years. happy one week of hell, four more to go. happy one week to the day my short term dreams were defered. Saving up for a car? that won't happen. living out my last high school summer to the fullest? not as easy. i will be back in the hospital again, they said it was a chance. marching senior year? chance they're gonna tell me i can't.
SO? thanks. thank you fate. thank you for being so terrible and cruel. thank you for ruining MY life.there better be one hell of a reason for this. cause right now? today? there is none that i see.
keep praying for me? it helps a ton knowing that people are.
right now, i could use a giant hug.
i'm probably going to sleep all day again, that's all i feel like right now.
the day will go by faster.
sarah. :)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
might as well do something. (day 6)
i feel my best in the mornings. i'm not nauseous, my head is clear. i'll check my email, shuffle my ipod, and think of something to write. i like mornings, and late at night. that is when i'm at my best. By the afternoon, my nausea usually sets in, and all i want to do is sleep. so i get the most accomplished in the morning usually. that is when i write. i blast my ipod and block out the excess noise.
so, i'm in here till march. if you know me well, you know i can't be too stationary for long. i'll have to do something to keep myself occupied. if not, i'll drive everyone nuts with my restless behavior. you can't keep me held down for long!
well, today i've decided what i want to do with myself this february, the longest month ever. ( not really, its the shortest. )
i've decided i'm going to use my current position and situation to help people. i want to help all of the terribly sad kids that walk by my door. i want them all to be able to smile the way that i do.
so, what am i gonna do you ask?
well. workin on it.. haha. i think i'm gonna go bonkers with my ninety-six crayons and make some inspirational signs and stuff. something simple like that to start. give them to other kids. when my bestie comes, we're gonna go crazy and make people happy. we're ridiculous like that. watch out. :) haha.
i truly believe that god gave me this terrible annoyance called leukemia for a reason. i can do some real good inside these walls and on this floor. yeah, i think that's why i'm here. to go through this hell, come out better than ever. to help people while i'm in here, and make a crazy awesome difference when i finally get the hell out of here.. : haha. i'm also going to do this mentor program. help people my age that get diagnosed with something like i have.
so, i'm here for a month. i might as well do something. you can't keep me held down quite too long.
i'm the new cancer, never looked better, and you can't stand it. (panic! a the disco)
keep on prayin for me kids.
it really makes a difference.
THANK YOU!
sarah. :)
so, i'm in here till march. if you know me well, you know i can't be too stationary for long. i'll have to do something to keep myself occupied. if not, i'll drive everyone nuts with my restless behavior. you can't keep me held down for long!
well, today i've decided what i want to do with myself this february, the longest month ever. ( not really, its the shortest. )
i've decided i'm going to use my current position and situation to help people. i want to help all of the terribly sad kids that walk by my door. i want them all to be able to smile the way that i do.
so, what am i gonna do you ask?
well. workin on it.. haha. i think i'm gonna go bonkers with my ninety-six crayons and make some inspirational signs and stuff. something simple like that to start. give them to other kids. when my bestie comes, we're gonna go crazy and make people happy. we're ridiculous like that. watch out. :) haha.
i truly believe that god gave me this terrible annoyance called leukemia for a reason. i can do some real good inside these walls and on this floor. yeah, i think that's why i'm here. to go through this hell, come out better than ever. to help people while i'm in here, and make a crazy awesome difference when i finally get the hell out of here.. : haha. i'm also going to do this mentor program. help people my age that get diagnosed with something like i have.
so, i'm here for a month. i might as well do something. you can't keep me held down quite too long.
i'm the new cancer, never looked better, and you can't stand it. (panic! a the disco)
keep on prayin for me kids.
it really makes a difference.
THANK YOU!
sarah. :)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
truly, madly, deeply. (day 5)
i slept all day yesterday. the iv chemo makes me feel nauseous most of the time, even with the anti-nausea medication. I think I'm going to ask for the stuff that knocked me out yesterday again later. i just feel like sleeping all of the time. I feel like just sitting here and just wallowing. well, if i feel like hell, which i do, it means it's working. ( aren't i lucky... ) I have five more days of this hell- like state with the iv chemo. monday, i'm free.
wanna know my favorite verse?
1 corinthians 13 4-8
love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
That is soo true. I was thinking about it at like four this morning, how lucky i am. I know yesterday my youth pastor came to visit me. He asks, How has this effected your relationship with god? are you angry at him? well, I mean, of course i'm angry on some level. i'd have to be a real saint if i wasn't. (which i am FAR from.) who wouldn't be? but then again, i'm happy. because i've been surrounded by such amazing people. i rejoice in that fact.
you know how sometimes people say, i'm truly, madly, deeply in love?
well me-
i'm truly, madly, deeply BLESSED.
i'm truly, madly, deeply GRATEFUL.
and i'm truly, madly, deeply LOVED by more people than i knew.
i truly, madly, deeply, LOVE all of my friends.
i couldn't be luckier to have such an amazing support network.
THANK YOU.
keep on prayin for me. [:
the doctors jus came by for rounds,
and my coagulopathy is getting better. (part of my diease.)
what i'm listening to now? jesus walks by kanye west.
he sure does. [:
sarah. :)
wanna know my favorite verse?
1 corinthians 13 4-8
love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
That is soo true. I was thinking about it at like four this morning, how lucky i am. I know yesterday my youth pastor came to visit me. He asks, How has this effected your relationship with god? are you angry at him? well, I mean, of course i'm angry on some level. i'd have to be a real saint if i wasn't. (which i am FAR from.) who wouldn't be? but then again, i'm happy. because i've been surrounded by such amazing people. i rejoice in that fact.
you know how sometimes people say, i'm truly, madly, deeply in love?
well me-
i'm truly, madly, deeply BLESSED.
i'm truly, madly, deeply GRATEFUL.
and i'm truly, madly, deeply LOVED by more people than i knew.
i truly, madly, deeply, LOVE all of my friends.
i couldn't be luckier to have such an amazing support network.
THANK YOU.
keep on prayin for me. [:
the doctors jus came by for rounds,
and my coagulopathy is getting better. (part of my diease.)
what i'm listening to now? jesus walks by kanye west.
he sure does. [:
sarah. :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
anthem time. [t-minus and counting.] (day 4)
today they're starting the tough stuff. the chemo that comes with a warning label two pages long. like one of those dumb warnings on a water ride- "you will get wet." well, of course you're gonna get wet. unless you get a terrible seat, and you get barely splashed. like with chemo, "you will get sick." of course you're gonna get sick! it kills cancer cells, healthy cells, and my immune system pretty much. Awesome, right? Six days of this stuff. sweet...
i think i've found myself an anthem. yepp, sure have. superwoman by alicia keys? yeah, it's my song.
"still when i'm a mess, i still put on my best with an s on my chest, oh yes i'm a superwoman" yeah, that's what i need to pull myself through these six days. that kind of attitude i already have. i just found a song that puts it all together. its anthem time kids.
they just hooked me up to it. here goes nothing! i'm hooked up to an anti-nausea med, a glow in the dark chemo, and a clear chemo that lasts twenty-four hours for the next six days. I know, six days, me attached to something? not good. I'm gonna end up breaking something!! I obviously have terrible luck..
right now, i feel good. right now, the obvious side effects have not set in. right now, i feel like myself. i'm enjoying this feeling. i took a shower this morning, i feel clean. i washed my hair and put it up nice. i'm wearing awesome pajamas, i look and feel healthy. i feel pretty today. this feeling will be gone soon enough. it will not come back for a while. These next six days will be some of, if not the hardest of this whole hell-like tretment. but that's when its anthem time. cause i am superwoman, yes i am.
so? t-minus and counting. counting down to the end of iv chemo. counting down to the end of stage one. counting down to being cured. totally and completely cured.
thanks so much everyone, keep praying for me. the doctors said i'm responding well. :)
sarah. [:
i think i've found myself an anthem. yepp, sure have. superwoman by alicia keys? yeah, it's my song.
"still when i'm a mess, i still put on my best with an s on my chest, oh yes i'm a superwoman" yeah, that's what i need to pull myself through these six days. that kind of attitude i already have. i just found a song that puts it all together. its anthem time kids.
they just hooked me up to it. here goes nothing! i'm hooked up to an anti-nausea med, a glow in the dark chemo, and a clear chemo that lasts twenty-four hours for the next six days. I know, six days, me attached to something? not good. I'm gonna end up breaking something!! I obviously have terrible luck..
right now, i feel good. right now, the obvious side effects have not set in. right now, i feel like myself. i'm enjoying this feeling. i took a shower this morning, i feel clean. i washed my hair and put it up nice. i'm wearing awesome pajamas, i look and feel healthy. i feel pretty today. this feeling will be gone soon enough. it will not come back for a while. These next six days will be some of, if not the hardest of this whole hell-like tretment. but that's when its anthem time. cause i am superwoman, yes i am.
so? t-minus and counting. counting down to the end of iv chemo. counting down to the end of stage one. counting down to being cured. totally and completely cured.
thanks so much everyone, keep praying for me. the doctors said i'm responding well. :)
sarah. [:
Monday, February 2, 2009
let it rock. [bring on the hell.] (day 3)
today's been a pretty amazing day. yeah, i will have to come back for "stage three" even if i'm cured. but it might just be outpaitent, thank god... after stage one, [what i'm in now, aka hell...] there's stage two. i have to come back up here during the weekdays for five weeks to get arsenic treatments. yeah. that's what i thought. isn't arsenic kinda bad for you? isn't it a poison? yeah. it is! haha. but apparantly it's good for you in small doses... but good news! if i'm feeling well when i'm in stage two, and my counts are good, i can come to school in the afternoons. :)
so on friday, my cousins came and brought me a new ipod to replace my old one. it's really been helpful! i know i was lisening to let it rock when i started this, and i'm just thinking, that's how i feel right now! let's get this done and do it right! bring on whatever is coming at me! bring on the hell. i'm ready. anyway, when you're sick, time flies for sure.
but not this morning.! i woke up at like 830, and it's like, what do i do now? it's school. not many people to talk to. i was so bored it was terrible. but i got unhooked from everything for a while. it was very nice. i feel like a robot most days. bionic woman, lol.
i hate school and everything, but i miss it. i miss dirty high school..with it dusty hallways and my tiny ghetto locker, the smoke filled bathrooms. it's one of those things that you don't realize how nice it is till you can't go for a while. mainly? it's just the people. just being around people.
lots of them all at once.
today? it was pretty great. these are the days that will be a treat. these are the kinds of days that i will feel at my best. hopefully there are more of these than the terribly sick days. i will make sure of it! good news today! my hemoglobin level went up by itself this morning. my chemo headache isn't bothering me, and the doctors said i'm doing GREAT.
so,let it rock!
bring on the hell.
i'm ready. lets get it done. :)
thanks so much everyone.
keep on praying!
sarahh :)
so on friday, my cousins came and brought me a new ipod to replace my old one. it's really been helpful! i know i was lisening to let it rock when i started this, and i'm just thinking, that's how i feel right now! let's get this done and do it right! bring on whatever is coming at me! bring on the hell. i'm ready. anyway, when you're sick, time flies for sure.
but not this morning.! i woke up at like 830, and it's like, what do i do now? it's school. not many people to talk to. i was so bored it was terrible. but i got unhooked from everything for a while. it was very nice. i feel like a robot most days. bionic woman, lol.
i hate school and everything, but i miss it. i miss dirty high school..with it dusty hallways and my tiny ghetto locker, the smoke filled bathrooms. it's one of those things that you don't realize how nice it is till you can't go for a while. mainly? it's just the people. just being around people.
lots of them all at once.
today? it was pretty great. these are the days that will be a treat. these are the kinds of days that i will feel at my best. hopefully there are more of these than the terribly sick days. i will make sure of it! good news today! my hemoglobin level went up by itself this morning. my chemo headache isn't bothering me, and the doctors said i'm doing GREAT.
so,let it rock!
bring on the hell.
i'm ready. lets get it done. :)
thanks so much everyone.
keep on praying!
sarahh :)
ninety-six crayons. (day 3)
my chemo give me headaches. a constant annoying one. its a side effect that i'm just gonna have to live with. oh well! it's just annoying. not really painful. i have to get another ekg tonight before they start the chemo that goes through an iv. here comes the fun part, hahaha. i will learn to deal.
sweet... so i just found out that after my thirty days+a week in here i will go home for five weeks and get outpaitent stuff , then i have to come back here.
i have to come back to this place for more chemo. what the hell. no one told me!! till right now. i'm sooo mad. i don't want to come back to the hospital. it will be less time, but still!!! i'm so mad!!! i just want to get the hell out of here and go back home. i want to go back home to my life, with my friends, school, work, GUARD! i've not even been here a week and i'm already about to explode!i want my life again. i want my life to be normal again. it got torn away from me in a split second. a second that i will never get back, and will never be reversed. no going back, just looking forward. that's what i have to do.
anyway! back to my original thought. last night, i couldn't sleep. i was up talking to people till about one, and decided i needed to watch a movie and color. :] i made this absolutley kick-ass card for one of my friends as a thank you. it's pretty much amazing. i think really well late at night and early in the morning.
i have ninety-six crayons and tons of bright construction paper.
they keep me very occupied. :]
oh? and i get to lose my hair twice. SWEET.
i'm gonna get up and move around some.i'm so so sore.
keep praying for me kids. pray that my leukemia will go away. that my life will be back to some sense of normalcy soon. that my ninety-six crayons will not become short and stubby. :)
thank you so much.i can't say it enough.
sarahh. :)
sweet... so i just found out that after my thirty days+a week in here i will go home for five weeks and get outpaitent stuff , then i have to come back here.
i have to come back to this place for more chemo. what the hell. no one told me!! till right now. i'm sooo mad. i don't want to come back to the hospital. it will be less time, but still!!! i'm so mad!!! i just want to get the hell out of here and go back home. i want to go back home to my life, with my friends, school, work, GUARD! i've not even been here a week and i'm already about to explode!i want my life again. i want my life to be normal again. it got torn away from me in a split second. a second that i will never get back, and will never be reversed. no going back, just looking forward. that's what i have to do.
anyway! back to my original thought. last night, i couldn't sleep. i was up talking to people till about one, and decided i needed to watch a movie and color. :] i made this absolutley kick-ass card for one of my friends as a thank you. it's pretty much amazing. i think really well late at night and early in the morning.
i have ninety-six crayons and tons of bright construction paper.
they keep me very occupied. :]
oh? and i get to lose my hair twice. SWEET.
i'm gonna get up and move around some.i'm so so sore.
keep praying for me kids. pray that my leukemia will go away. that my life will be back to some sense of normalcy soon. that my ninety-six crayons will not become short and stubby. :)
thank you so much.i can't say it enough.
sarahh. :)
prelude to a kiss. (day 2)
right now, my skin feels like its on fire.. not fun.!! they're re-doing the whatever on my picc line. getting super strong tape ripped off your arm hair hurts like nothing else. its insane! you know what i'd rather be doing? going to a superbowl party. or at least watching it at my house. I've got a pretty sweet t.v, but it's not the same!! Another day i'm missing out on kinda- valentines day. but that's ok, aubrey's my hot date. she's coming over and we're gonna watch movies and be goofy. that day will be day 15, halfway there!!!
earlier i was listening to prelude to a kiss by alicia keys. that song, right now, just makes me want to cry every time i hear it. it's the lyrics.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take so long for me to get to somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear.
And it's a long, long way to heaven but I gotta get there.....
Can you send an angel.....?
Can you send me an angel...... to guide me.
that song is so amazing. so so amazing.it's kinda how i feel, but won't say in a large room.
i always want to cry after i read everyone's amazing and supportive comments. Everyone is SO amazing. i have such great friends. i'm so lucky. each one of you are so wonderful. like chris? if i haven't told you enough already, you're so amazing. you're super supportive and always there for me. i really don't think i could thank you enough! better come visit me tuesday. [: all of the people that have come to visit me?!? you guys are so awesome. i love my cards and balloon. then today, ricky, his mom, melanie, kara, allyssa, shaq, kiki, and their mom. they brought me awesome gifts and streamers. it for sure made my day. i love having visitors. when people come next, this room will be insanely awesome. i'm so excited! my mom brought me posters from my room i'm gonna hang up too. [:
tomorrow's day three. startin the serious drugs tomorrow.. :/
days 3-9.. one of the hardest weeks of my life! i'll be on the most medication then. but, gotta get thru the tough stuff before it gets better.
i've been typing this on and off since like three. my mind keeps drawing a blank. but yeah, here comes the tough part. if only chemo came without all the side effects! hey, a girl can dream. the side effects mean its workin haha.
i'm gonna go hang up my posters, and make some more signs. that was long.
thanks so so much for all of your prayers and support.
sarah. :)
earlier i was listening to prelude to a kiss by alicia keys. that song, right now, just makes me want to cry every time i hear it. it's the lyrics.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take so long for me to get to somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear.
And it's a long, long way to heaven but I gotta get there.....
Can you send an angel.....?
Can you send me an angel...... to guide me.
that song is so amazing. so so amazing.it's kinda how i feel, but won't say in a large room.
i always want to cry after i read everyone's amazing and supportive comments. Everyone is SO amazing. i have such great friends. i'm so lucky. each one of you are so wonderful. like chris? if i haven't told you enough already, you're so amazing. you're super supportive and always there for me. i really don't think i could thank you enough! better come visit me tuesday. [: all of the people that have come to visit me?!? you guys are so awesome. i love my cards and balloon. then today, ricky, his mom, melanie, kara, allyssa, shaq, kiki, and their mom. they brought me awesome gifts and streamers. it for sure made my day. i love having visitors. when people come next, this room will be insanely awesome. i'm so excited! my mom brought me posters from my room i'm gonna hang up too. [:
tomorrow's day three. startin the serious drugs tomorrow.. :/
days 3-9.. one of the hardest weeks of my life! i'll be on the most medication then. but, gotta get thru the tough stuff before it gets better.
i've been typing this on and off since like three. my mind keeps drawing a blank. but yeah, here comes the tough part. if only chemo came without all the side effects! hey, a girl can dream. the side effects mean its workin haha.
i'm gonna go hang up my posters, and make some more signs. that was long.
thanks so so much for all of your prayers and support.
sarah. :)
good morning sunshine! [AM explosion.] (day 2)
so i woke up this morning tangled up in monitors and about to explode from heat. everyone seems to think i'm cold, so they cover me up with blankets. They're just trying to help. I understand that. effects of the chemo? the first ones have set in. i woke up with less energy than usual. my head hurts, and i feel like just curling up in a ball. But this is not the worst of it. Days 3-9... one of if not the hardest week of my life. I'll be on three different medicines in that time period, and it will make me verry sick. I know that.
When my oncologist came in and explained the side effects that WILL happen, my brain did a backflip and exploded. seriously? it sounds like hell. it sounds like the worst pain i will ever feel. but the only way i'll make it? I have to be strong. i have to dig deep down inside myself and fight like hell. i HAVE to. no matter how terrible i may feel. The doctor said, this will be terrible before it gets better. Yeah, I know. I'm just bracing myself for impact. The impact of all of the side effects at once. This'll be like having the flu again, just having it five times and all of the insanity balled up into one week. this is gonna suck, no matter how strong or brave i am. it's gonna suck. but my strength will remind me that there will be an end to it.
You know what i thought this morning? I thought of how when i was little, my mom would come in and sing to me to wake me up, she'd say:
you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
you make me happy,
when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.
then she'd say, good morning sunshine!
she does that every once in a while now.
but i thought of that when i woke up. It made me smile, but cry at the same time.
whats going on today? i'm waiting for my dad to get out of the shower, then i will call to get myself unhooked from these wires. Then i'll get a shower! i feel nasty. I'm having a bunch of visitors today, that will make my day much better. [:
keep praying for me!
sarah!!
When my oncologist came in and explained the side effects that WILL happen, my brain did a backflip and exploded. seriously? it sounds like hell. it sounds like the worst pain i will ever feel. but the only way i'll make it? I have to be strong. i have to dig deep down inside myself and fight like hell. i HAVE to. no matter how terrible i may feel. The doctor said, this will be terrible before it gets better. Yeah, I know. I'm just bracing myself for impact. The impact of all of the side effects at once. This'll be like having the flu again, just having it five times and all of the insanity balled up into one week. this is gonna suck, no matter how strong or brave i am. it's gonna suck. but my strength will remind me that there will be an end to it.
You know what i thought this morning? I thought of how when i was little, my mom would come in and sing to me to wake me up, she'd say:
you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
you make me happy,
when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.
then she'd say, good morning sunshine!
she does that every once in a while now.
but i thought of that when i woke up. It made me smile, but cry at the same time.
whats going on today? i'm waiting for my dad to get out of the shower, then i will call to get myself unhooked from these wires. Then i'll get a shower! i feel nasty. I'm having a bunch of visitors today, that will make my day much better. [:
keep praying for me!
sarah!!
the question of vanity: a continuation (day 1)
i start the first part of my treatment tonight. the entire thing will take thirty days. after that time period, they will do another bone marrow biopsy to make sure that i am in total and molecular remission. along with the APML, i have a gene translocation that causes my blood to not be able to clot well. that is totally reversable.! so that's good. [:
so, as everyone knows, chemo ( or kemo however its spelled i dont care haha ) makes your hair fall out. Asking most teenage girls, the idea of losing your hair is just about as bad as the cancer. If you didn't know, it does that because it attacks rapidly growing cells, so it kills the hair and the cancer cells. so, right there with that, the question of vanity comes up. do i care more about getting better, or my hair and vanity? can i set that normalsy (dont think that spelled right either) of teenage life aside? It's a hard question to answer. it's one of those terrible, soul searching questions no one wants to have to answer. Wanna know my answer? Yeah, I mean it sucks... but it's whatever! hair grows back. cancer dies. But a persons sense of beauty and pride? that is with you always. You carry that with you, and it's that inner beauty that shines through whatever bad hair day, whatever that might make you feel that you feel like you're not your best. In my case, its this bitch called cancer.!
Honestly, i've never really been too worried about my appearance. And really, my hair now is annoying and needs to get cut. so, i mean, why not just start brand new? That totally works for me. [:
so, the question of vanity? isn't a relevant question. it needs to be asked, but i've answered it and there is none. Looks aren't worth worrying about.
Just got my first dose of oral chemo. Four pills. Here goes nothing! Botoms up. [:
sarah!!
so, as everyone knows, chemo ( or kemo however its spelled i dont care haha ) makes your hair fall out. Asking most teenage girls, the idea of losing your hair is just about as bad as the cancer. If you didn't know, it does that because it attacks rapidly growing cells, so it kills the hair and the cancer cells. so, right there with that, the question of vanity comes up. do i care more about getting better, or my hair and vanity? can i set that normalsy (dont think that spelled right either) of teenage life aside? It's a hard question to answer. it's one of those terrible, soul searching questions no one wants to have to answer. Wanna know my answer? Yeah, I mean it sucks... but it's whatever! hair grows back. cancer dies. But a persons sense of beauty and pride? that is with you always. You carry that with you, and it's that inner beauty that shines through whatever bad hair day, whatever that might make you feel that you feel like you're not your best. In my case, its this bitch called cancer.!
Honestly, i've never really been too worried about my appearance. And really, my hair now is annoying and needs to get cut. so, i mean, why not just start brand new? That totally works for me. [:
so, the question of vanity? isn't a relevant question. it needs to be asked, but i've answered it and there is none. Looks aren't worth worrying about.
Just got my first dose of oral chemo. Four pills. Here goes nothing! Botoms up. [:
sarah!!
so today is the first day of the rest of my life. (day 1)
i've decided to do this whole keeping a journal thing on the internet too. i don't care if you read it, i just want to keep everybody up to date. [:
well, yesterday. Friday, january 30, 2009. 1:20 pm. the worst news i could posibly get. I have APML, it's a type of leukemia. as soon as i heard the word leukemia, my heart sank. it sank to some unbelievable low i couldn't explain. right then, at that moment, i just broke. broke into a million little unrepairable pieces. my mom did the same. we just sat there, and she sat on my bed and we just wailed. that's all i could possibly think of doing. it took about a half an hour, then it was just kinda like, yeah.. i have leukemia. then calling people? wow. each time i said it.. it became more real. and every time i called someone, i just about wanted to cry. but that helped? it did. talking to people. I'm just so SO happy, and lucky, that i'm blessed to have such amazing friends that are there for me no matter what. [: All of you are so amazing, and i couldn't ask for better friends.After the initial shock set in, and i was just like, Well snap. what in the world am i gonna with myself for a month???? haha.
SO... today? the first day of the rest of my life. wanna know my goal? i'mma kick this cancer's ass.. veryy hard! and come to prom lookin hotter than ever!it's gonna happen. i'm stubborn like that! yeah. today.. first day of the rest of my life. gotta get an ekg. talk to you guys laterr. [:
thanks for your prayers.
Sarah!!
well, yesterday. Friday, january 30, 2009. 1:20 pm. the worst news i could posibly get. I have APML, it's a type of leukemia. as soon as i heard the word leukemia, my heart sank. it sank to some unbelievable low i couldn't explain. right then, at that moment, i just broke. broke into a million little unrepairable pieces. my mom did the same. we just sat there, and she sat on my bed and we just wailed. that's all i could possibly think of doing. it took about a half an hour, then it was just kinda like, yeah.. i have leukemia. then calling people? wow. each time i said it.. it became more real. and every time i called someone, i just about wanted to cry. but that helped? it did. talking to people. I'm just so SO happy, and lucky, that i'm blessed to have such amazing friends that are there for me no matter what. [: All of you are so amazing, and i couldn't ask for better friends.After the initial shock set in, and i was just like, Well snap. what in the world am i gonna with myself for a month???? haha.
SO... today? the first day of the rest of my life. wanna know my goal? i'mma kick this cancer's ass.. veryy hard! and come to prom lookin hotter than ever!it's gonna happen. i'm stubborn like that! yeah. today.. first day of the rest of my life. gotta get an ekg. talk to you guys laterr. [:
thanks for your prayers.
Sarah!!
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